Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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