you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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