No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
