There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
My cat gives me a boner
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Randomize