i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
