Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
