As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
