yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
