I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
sick fucks of a feather flock together
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
