hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Randomize
