god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
