textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
