Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
