I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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