I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
