I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
