the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Randomize
