Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I just forgot I was standing up.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
