you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
His nipple licking is glorious
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