Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
