I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
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