No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
