walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
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