First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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