Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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