Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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