the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
