How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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