Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
