new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
