all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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