well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
