I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
