You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
