Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
