I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
