I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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