I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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