As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
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