every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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