New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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