Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
