Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
