I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
