I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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