Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
