sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
