I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
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