Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
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