I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Is it because I queefed?
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
