you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Randomize
