seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
