I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
You made out with two different species that night
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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