Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
