When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize
