life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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