I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
please come you make the beer taste better
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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