you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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