we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
