That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
